Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Yeah, I am sad. More disappointed and a feeling of dispare. I know that it is my own fault that I got this big but really. I thought I was doing soooooooooo good losing weight. Yes, I know I hit a plateau but still I thought I lost enought that I could at least find some snow pants and try snow boarding. Well, reality punched me right the face today. I went looking for snow pants. Yeah that was a bright idea. I am going snowboarding on Sunday. I thought it would be wise of me to go to the store and see if I could find some snow pants at the local Gart store just up the street. Well I tried on a Ladies extra Large. They so didn’t fit. So I was a little disappointed. I was hoping to fit into a smaller size. So not the case. So I thought well maybe I can fit in a Large Mens. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Well they didn’t fit. So I went and got the mens Extra Large. Yeah tried those on and they didn’t fit. I was ready to cry. What can I say, I hate clothes shopping. I grabbed my stuff and headed out. Only to the realization that tomorrow morning I have to go and do this same stuff all over again. NOT HAPPY!!!!! On my way home I thought, How can this be that I am so fat that I can’t find snow pants? How am I going to lose another pound or two before tomorrow? What do I have at home that will help me? Can I exercise enough to drop another pound by the morning? Then I thought, Jess what are you thinking? That is never going to happen. You are just going to have to go in there and embarass yourself again all so you can try something new. Even as I am committing to get back on the diet and exercise bandwagon bigtime, I am thinking these little chocolate bars sitting infront of me would be so good. They would take away all the pain of not fitting in. Even as I hear the words coming out of my mouth I know that I don’t need these little chocolates to get me over the sadness. It is only going to add to the pain and guilt tomorrow. I can’t help but wonder, is anyone out there in the same struggle as me? Fighting myself from eating and trying to cut corners in weight lose. Fighting the need to cry at my failing quest against exercise and diet. Fighting the want to dig into a huge pie! Stuffing my self with pizza or ice cream! Fighting the want to break down and cry and give into the fact that I will never fit in. That I will always be fat! That I will never fit in. I will never get to do all the things I want to because I am just to big! What can I say. Sometimes it feels like the pressure of the world is pressing down hard on my shoulders. I know there is someone out there just like me who is going through the same struggle. They are probably the same hieght, same weight, same short legs and long torso, same ups and downs. Yes I know someone out there feels my pain. For that person I have to keep telling myself to push harder. Stay away from the chocolate! Stay away from Friday night pizza! Stay up! Don’t let them get you while you are down! So this I say. I will go and face the humiliation tomorrow. I will find some snowboard pants even if I have to get the boys pants and tuck the bottoms up to my knees. I will not let me get me down. I will not cheat the diet. I will stay tried and true! I must stay on my rocky path and hope that the lord will lead the way for me. This world is meant for me to do bigger and better things. I shall not sit here and pout. I will muster up all my strength and head on out to that front line. I will not let food defeat me! I can not! I simply can not let that happen again!
